How to Break the News to Family and Friends

Thinking ahead may make the conversation feel more manageable. Consider what you want people to know, what you prefer to keep private and whether there are questions you do not wish to answer. When thinking about how to tell your loved ones you have cancer, remember that you can choose an approach that suits you.

Different Ways of Sharing Your Diagnosis

You do not have to tell everyone face to face. Depending on the relationship, you could:

• Talk in person or by phone.
• Send a text, email or letter.
• Use a private group chat.
• Ask someone you trust to update others for you.

This may help if repeating the same information becomes tiring or upsetting. [1] [2]

Choosing the Right Time and Place to Share the News

When to share a cancer diagnosis is your decision. You might tell people soon after diagnosis or wait until you know more about your treatment plan. [2]

For an in-person conversation, choose somewhere you feel comfortable and can talk without being rushed. It may also help to decide your boundaries beforehand, including what information can be shared with other people.

How to Prepare Yourself for Other People’s Reactions

People may react with shock, sadness or silence. Some may ask lots of questions, while others may say something that feels insensitive. Their reaction may reflect their own difficulty processing the news. [1] [2] People may need time to process the news and their first reaction may not reflect how they feel in the longer term.

You do not have to answer every question. You can say that you do not know yet, would rather not discuss something or need a break from the conversation.

If you are unsure how to tell someone you have cancer, keeping the conversation simple may help. If you are unsure where to begin, it may help to think about the conversation in three parts:

• How to begin: Let them know you have something important to share and choose words that feel natural to you.
• Sharing the diagnosis: Explain the facts you want them to know. You can also tell them how you are feeling and give them time to respond.
• Ending the conversation: If you know what support would be helpful, you can let them know. You can also say if you are not ready to talk more or would like to take a break and whether you are happy for them to tell anyone else.

You do not have to cover everything in one conversation. Part of learning how to tell your loved ones you have cancer is deciding what feels manageable for you.

There is no perfect script, but having a few words prepared can make starting easier.[1] For example:

• “I have something difficult to tell you. I’ve been diagnosed with cancer.”
• “You may have noticed I’ve been quieter lately. I’d like to tell you why.”
• “I’ve had some test results and unfortunately they have shown that I have cancer.”
• “I want you to know what’s happening, but I’m not ready to talk about everything yet.”

Use your own words. You do not need to hide your feelings or feel responsible for managing everyone else’s emotions. You can share the news in a way that feels manageable for you.

Different relationships may need different conversations. You can decide how to tell your loved ones you have cancer based on what feels appropriate for each person.

Telling a Partner

Telling a partner about a cancer diagnosis can be emotional for both of you. A diagnosis may bring different feelings, questions and practical changes for each of you.

You might want to talk about what you know, what you are still waiting to find out, and how you are feeling. You do not need to have all the answers or know what you need straight away. It is also okay if you react differently. Giving each other time and space to process the news can help you understand each other and support one another. Try to be open about what you know, what you do not know and what support you may need.

Telling a Parent

Telling parents about cancer can feel difficult, particularly if you are worried about upsetting them. You can share as much information as feels right for you and let them know what kind of support, if any, would be helpful.

Telling Children

Talking to children about a cancer diagnosis can feel particularly difficult. What and how much you tell them will depend on their age, understanding and individual needs.

Children often notice changes in routines, emotions or family life, even if they have not been told what is happening. Being honest and using clear, age-appropriate language can help reduce uncertainty and give them an opportunity to ask questions. [3]

You do not need to explain everything at once. The first conversation can be the beginning of an ongoing discussion, where you share more information as it becomes appropriate.

It can also help to reassure children that:

• nothing they did or thought caused the cancer
• cancer is not something they can catch
• there will continue to be people to care for them
• they can ask questions and talk about how they are feeling.

You may not know the answer to every question, and it is okay to say so. If you are unsure how to approach the conversation, your cancer care team may be able to offer support and guidance.

Telling Friends

When deciding how to tell friends you have cancer, think about what feels easiest for you. You might prefer individual conversations, a group message or asking a close friend to update others. Be clear about whether the information is private and what kind of support you would welcome. You can also let friends know when you would prefer to talk about everyday life rather than cancer. [1]

After Telling Someone

After you have shared your diagnosis, you may find that people want updates or ask questions. It is okay to set boundaries around what you share and when. You might prefer to give updates when you feel ready, ask one person to update others for you, or let people know that you would rather sometimes talk about things other than cancer.

If you would like further information or support, the resources below may be helpful.