Kate Hurst
Health Psychologist
A cancer diagnosis can affect a person’s emotional wellbeing and relationships. It can also be difficult for family and friends, who may want to help but feel unsure about what to say or do. Everyone responds to cancer differently, so there is no single right way to offer emotional support. This guide looks at some ways you can support someone throughout diagnosis and treatment, while allowing them to guide you towards what feels helpful for them.
People may experience many different emotions following a cancer diagnosis, including shock, fear, sadness, anger, anxiety or frustration. [1] Some may feel numb, while others find their emotions change from day to day. There is no “right” way to feel, and emotions may change over time.
Treatment, uncertainty about the future and changes to everyday life can also affect emotional wellbeing. Remembering that each person’s experience is individual can help you avoid assumptions about how they should feel.
Often, emotional support begins with helping someone feel heard and understood. The person may want to talk about their diagnosis, or they may appreciate spending time together without discussing cancer. Follow their lead and ask what would be helpful, as their needs may change throughout treatment.
If you are wondering what to say to someone with cancer, remember that you do not need to find the perfect words. Simply acknowledging that they are going through something difficult and letting them know you are there can be meaningful. [2] Try to listen without feeling that you need to offer advice or have the answers. Even a simple text or phone call can be a meaningful way to show that you care.
Even well-intentioned comments can create pressure. Try to avoid telling someone to “stay positive” or “be strong”, or reassuring them that everything will be fine. [2]
It can also be unhelpful to compare their cancer with somebody else’s experience or offer medical, dietary or lifestyle advice they have not asked for. [1]
If someone is upset, angry or does not want to talk, try not to take this personally. Give them space while letting them know you are there. You do not need to take away difficult feelings or make the person feel better. Sometimes simply listening and acknowledging how they feel can be enough.
Understanding how to support someone with cancer means recognising that support can take different forms, from talking and friendship to practical help.
Sometimes, the most important thing you can do to offer support is simply to show someone that you are there for them. Stay in touch with low-pressure messages, calls or visits, while being guided by how much contact they want. Remember that support can be just as important in the weeks and months that follow as it is immediately after diagnosis.
Listening can be one of the most valuable ways to support someone with cancer. (1) Give the person your attention and allow them to lead the conversation, without trying to find solutions. Sometimes being present while someone expresses sadness, fear or uncertainty can be more supportive than trying to make them feel better.
People may have different preferences when it comes to physical comfort and closeness. Someone might appreciate a hug, having their hand held or simply sitting together, while another person may prefer more space.
Ask before offering physical contact where appropriate, and follow their cues and respect their boundaries. Creating an environment where they can express how they feel can be really important.
Practical help can reduce everyday pressures and support emotional wellbeing. [1] You could:
Specific offers can be easier to respond to than saying, “Let me know if you need anything.” Always respect the person’s decision if they would prefer to manage something themselves.
If you live far away from someone with cancer, there are still ways you can offer support. If you are wondering how to support a friend with cancer long-distance, you could arrange phone or video calls, send messages, letters, or organise practical help such as a food delivery.
Keep contact low-pressure. A message that does not require a reply can show you are thinking of them without creating another obligation.
The most appropriate support may depend on your relationship. Whether you are a partner, relative or friend, allow the person with cancer to guide you towards the support they want.
When supporting a friend with cancer, try to maintain the friendship too. Continue to include them in plans without pressure and talk about ordinary life as well as cancer. Regularly checking in during and after treatment can also be helpful. (1) Let them know they can talk about cancer if they want to, but continue to share ordinary conversations and activities too.
Supporting a family member with cancer can be emotionally demanding, particularly if you also take on caring responsibilities. Partners, parents and other relatives may find themselves balancing practical responsibilities with their own feelings.
Remember that you can seek support too. Your own health and wellbeing matter, and you do not have to manage the emotional or practical demands of supporting someone with cancer on your own. [3]
Friends and family can provide valuable emotional support, but additional help is also available. Someone with cancer can speak to their cancer team or GP about how they are feeling and ask what psychological or counselling support may be available. [4]
Cancer organisations and support groups can also provide information and opportunities to connect with others. Family members and carers can access support too, particularly if they are finding the emotional or practical demands difficult to manage. [3]
References:
This information is provided for educational purposes only. It is general in nature and is not intended to replace professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your healthcare team regarding any questions or concerns about your health or care.
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